Back to December
by Cherry8914
Summary: They both said things they didn't mean and she sent him away.  But freedom isn't what Lisa thought it would be and she would do anything to have Dean back.


A/N: Dean Winchester and Lisa Braeden aren't mine. They're Kipke and the CWs. I wish I could have Dean for a night, but –shrugs- that's just how it goes.

**Back to December**

Lisa could remember the fight like it was yesterday even though it had been months ago. She hadn't seen or heard from Dean since then. She knew that they were both to blame, both had over reacted, both had said things they didn't mean but her more so. They had fought over something stupid. Ben had gotten a hold of Dean and said that she had been out that night with some guy. She had been, but it hadn't been like Ben or Dean had thought. Kevin was an old friend who had been in town and wanted to take her out for drinks. Of course she had accepted, it was always nice to see people she actually knew. This new town Dean had moved them to in Michigan was nice, but it wasn't home. Not yet. Of course she liked the house, she liked her job, it was better than her last, but it wasn't home.

Dean had called during drink number four and she had taken the call outside for more privacy. He asked her, making a joke about how Ben had gotten a hold of him. She had told him about how she was out with Kevin for drinks and that was when things had went downhill. She had accused him of not wanting her to have a life without him there. That he would be happier if all she did was go to work and then go straight home. He had said she was over reacting, that it wasn't what he wanted at all. Said that she was assuming things. That was when she said it. Said what she hadn't meant, it had been the heat of the moment along with the drinks that were making her feel a little tipsy. She had told him that she couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't sit at home wondering if the next phone call would be Sam telling her that Dean hadn't made it from the latest hunt. She wasn't strong enough to handle being with a hunter. And so Dean had went quiet before telling her that he wouldn't bother her anymore. That he would leave her and Ben alone, they wouldn't see him again.

_I'm so glad you made time to see me.  
>How's life? Tell me how's your family.<br>I haven't seen them in a while.  
>You've been good, busier than ever,<br>We small talk, work and the weather,  
>Your guard is up and I know why.<br>Because the last time you saw me  
>Is still burned in the back of your mind.<br>You gave me roses and I left them there to die._

It had taken months for Lisa to work up her nerve to call Dean. Getting his voicemail she left him a message, asking him to meet with her on Thursday at Ben's baseball game. She had been sure that he wasn't going to show, but when she had pulled up to the field, there had been the Impala with Dean leaning against it. Her heart leapt in her chest, her stomach clenching with nerves.

"Dean!" Ben yelled, throwing open his door and rushing to the man.

Dean wrapped an arm around the boy, holding him close to his side. "Hey buddy, heard you were playing tonight and I was near-by. Figured I'd stop by."

He's eyes glanced hesitantly over at her before returning his attention to Ben, listening to the boy about what he had been up to and how much he had missed him.

Promising they would talk more after the game, Dean had sent Ben off to warm up with the rest of his team before making his way to Lisa.

"Glad you could make it." She told him honestly, wanting nothing more than to reach out to him.

"How's Sam?" She wondered, trying to make small talk.

Shifting, Dean nodded, "He's good. Back at the motel catching some shut eye."

"Good, good. That's…that's good."

The silence over took them for a moment before Dean asked, "How's work? You still at the center?"

Lips pressed together she nodded, "Yeah," she told him, "I am. Yoga eight times a week along with a couple of toddler tumbling classes."

A sad smile appeared on his lips, "You always have liked kids."

It was as personal as they had gotten in those few minutes and she knew that was her fault. Dean had always been able to speak freely with her, he had trusted her, had known he could confide in her. And now here he was, tight lipped, his shoulders tense, his posture just as tense. She hated it. She was the reason for all that, because she had ended everything with just a couple of sentences.

_So this is me swallowing my pride,  
>Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night,"<br>And I go back to December all the time.  
>It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you.<br>Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.  
>I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.<br>I go back to December all the time._

Ringing her hands together she took a deep breath, knowing she needed to say what she had brought him here to say. She couldn't put it off any longer, he needed to know.

"I'm sorry." She blurted out, her dark eyes wide as she watched him. "For that night. God, I must think about it every morning when I get up and every night when I go to bed. Dean I was stupid and wrong and frustrated with the situation. The time I spent with you, it's some of the best I've ever had. Next to Ben you were my everything. Without you, nothing is the same. I think of something I know you'd find hilarious, pick up the phone…only to remember. And I just…I miss you. So much." Her voice broke. "I know it doesn't change anything. But Dean, I'm so sorry. If I could go back, I would have never had those drinks with Kevin. I would have never went off on you like that. Accusing you of not trusting me. Of course you trusted me…"

So many emotions crossed through his eyes, fear, guilt, hurt, surprise…it was all there for her to see. His eyebrows were furrowed with confusion, his jaw tense like he didn't know how to respond.

"Lis…" He croaked, sad eyes watching her.

_These days I haven't been sleeping,  
>Staying up, playing back myself leavin'.<br>When your birthday passed and I didn't call.  
>And I think about summer, all the beautiful times,<br>I watched you laughing from the passenger side.  
>Realized that I loved you in the fall.<em>

_And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind  
>You gave me all your love and all I gave you was "Goodbye".<em>

Her gut told her that he wasn't ready to accept it. That he was going to walk away. This was her only chance to make him see how much she needed him.

"No, don't say anything yet. I can't sleep. Usually it's because you're not there. I never sleep right when you're gone. But now I can't sleep because I have no idea where you are. I never knew if you were safe. I just sit there, replaying that night and all those things I said to you. They were horrible Dean. My anger got the better of me. We hadn't seen each other in over a month, we hadn't been talking as much. I was just so angry and hurt. I wasn't out on a date with Kevin…he's honestly an old friend who came to town, wanting to get some drinks and talk about high school and how crazy it was we were adults now." A tear fell down her cheek, but she ignored it. "The poor guy, between talking about Ben and you, I'm sure I was driving him crazy." Her laughter shook with the force of holding back tears.

"We were so good together Dean. All my happy memories are with you. That time we were driving around in your truck because Ben was at camp and you talked me into calling into work…and that song came on." Closing her eyes she brought up a hand, snapping her fingers quickly.

"Cherry Pie!" She exclaimed, looking up with a shaky smile. "I'd never seen you like that. You were practically dancing. I thought we were going to wreck."

The weak smile he gave her made hope flutter through her chest.

"But of course we didn't and you ended up singing along." He finished for her. "We raced home after that."

_Home._ He had said _home_. Not back to the house, but _home._

"Couldn't keep our hands off of each other." Of course she remembered.

"I'm so sorry." She found herself saying again. "These past few months…I've felt so empty. Without you, my life isn't exactly sunshine and daises. Ben's the only thing that keeps me going."

"What, no Ben and Jerry?" Dean teased, hands going to his pockets.

Her breath caught in her throat as more tears made their way down her cheeks. "That too." She whispered.

_I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind  
>I go back to December all the time.<em>

_I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile,  
>So good to me, so right<br>And how you held me in your arms that September night -  
>The first time you ever saw me cry.<br>_

"I miss you. So much."

She missed everything about him. Every scar, scars that were different from their first time together, his tanned skin all covered with freckles, every smile he had because they were all different, but especially that crooked grin that was meant only for her.

"You were there for me more than anyone has ever been. You know me better than anyone. You've seen me at my best, juggling work and baseball games and parent teacher conferences…but you've also seen me at my worst and you never left. Everyone leaves, but you didn't. Remember September?"

He nodded, "Your dad died."

"I don't like crying where people can see me. I hate crying all together, but especially in front of people. I hate seeming weak. But I completely broke down after his funeral. I was a daddy's little girl until I got pregnant with Ben…and then we just drifted apart. But I was always his little girl. You just held me, the entire night. Stayed up with me listening to ramble off stories about him, whispering that you were there and it was going to be okay. And I knew it would be. Because I trust you. More than anyone, I trust you. You had lost your father and you were still there. I knew I could do it too. And you knew it. Told me you had faith in me. That I was strong…"

"Strongest woman I've ever met." He titled his head to the side a small smirk pulling on his lips, "Human anyways."

She laughed, bringing a hand up to wipe her eyes. "I remember that."

_Maybe this is wishful thinking,  
>Probably mindless dreaming,<br>But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right._

_I'd go back in time and change it but I can't.  
>So if the chain is on your door I understand.<br>_

Stepping closer to him she reached out, wanting to touch him, wanting to cling to him but her arms fell to her sides. "I know I hurt you Dean. I know it. But I swear I love you and only you. Without you, it just isn't worth it. I swear if you give me another chance I'd make it right. I swear it."

She could her herself practically begging, and if it had been to anyone other than Dean it would have been embarrassing. But she needed him, not just wanted, but needed him in her life.

"But I understand if you can't….I was stupid. God, I reacted like some teenager." She turned away, unable to look at him, not wanting to see the rejection. "Just, please don't cut Ben out of your life. He needs you too. You're the closest thing he has to a father. You're good for him. I couldn't bear taking that away from him."

She heard his boots on the grass and felt his shadow fall over her as he stopped right in front of her, but still she refused to open her eyes. A soft sob escaped past her lips as he took her chin in his hand and turned her face to make her look at him.

"Open your eyes Lisa." He whispered.

She did.

"We were both stupid, both childish. The hunt that night had gone bad and then Ben…I over reacted and instead of calming you down, calming me down, I added fuel to the fire and then backed away instead of fighting for you like I should have..."

She shook her head, "No, if I had just-."

He cut her off, "Would you shut up and let me talk?" The smile on his lips showed he wasn't angry; there was no bite to his tone. "You Lisa Braeden are the best damn thing that's ever happened in my life. It takes a hell of a woman to handle being with a Hunter. I know it's hard baby, I know it's stressful. But you were there every time I needed you. Because you are one hell of a woman. You're the strongest woman I know. And I was stupid to let you slip through my fingers. I won't make that mistake again. It'll be hard, but we can do it. So don't you dare think about that night any more. Never happened, you hear me?" He demanded quietly.

Cupping her face in his hands he captured her lips in a fierce passionate kiss. There would be hard times, probably more than either of them ever wanted, but they would happen…and together they would work through them. Because this was as close to happiness…as close to perfect..as a hunter could get.


End file.
